Breadfish

Like an inverse sandwich…

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/46/

My Idea Of Gardening

Did some “gardening” today. I say “gardening” because I’m not renowned for gettin’ jiggy with mother nature. Waste of time.

Anyway, we bought loppers and trimmer and sec-ewe-ters the other day, so I “gardened”. I said to many a plant “I’m gonna start doing this…” {operates loppers in a menacing fashion} “And if you get in my way, it’s not my fault!”
The result is some… interestingly shaped shrubs.

We also bought some weed killer.

Now, let me describe “some” for you. It’s not a 300ml spary pack. Oh No. It’s a 5-litre pump pack.
This baby comes with a tiny hose and a little yellow spray nozzle. What you do, is raise the pump. and as you push the button on the nozzle, the pump drops, forcing out the liquid death with which to drown the weeds.

This liquid sprays in a fashion not unlike the way urine is expelled from the body. Coupled with the yellow nozzle, which fits comfortably in your hand, the operation is not dissimilar to urinating on the nasssty weeds.

At least, that’s how I did it.

I’m sure it looked very realistic to the neighbours across the street, who rushed their small children inside when I simulated a prostate problem, including hip thrusts and wiggles.

I even wrote my name.

Key Thingys

My car, like many, has a remote central locking thingy on the key.

Fine while it works.

When it doesn’t work, I must resort to using the old-fashioned method of “put the key in the lock, turn it, violas, Bob’s your unlocked car”

Fine while it works.

When it breaks too, I must resort to using the old-fashioned method of “Unlock the passenger door, reach across and unlock the rest of the car from the inside of the driver’s door, close the passenger door, walk around, get in the driver’s side, violas, Bob’s your unlocked car”

I eventually just replaced the battery in the key thingy. Lock’s still broke though.

Signs

Here is a list of warning signs that everyone should know.

Such as:

“Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.”