The Federal Guv’mint is planning a hotline to reduce waiting at emergency rooms, by having call-centre nurses advise whether the complaint needs to be seen by an ER doctor, or whether it can wait for a pharmacist, or the local doctor, etc.
It sounds like a good idea, but I don’t know that it will work too well, given other existing phone systems.
For example:
{frantic dialling}
{ring ring}
{ring ring}
{ring..}
Emergency Medical Hotline: To direct your call properly, you will be asked to describe your sysmptoms. You will then be assigned a place in the queue according to how horrific your injuries are. Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
Caller: Um, I was working on my decking and my missus she um, distracted me and, argh dammit it hurts, I cut my flamin’ hand off!
EMH: You said you’ve set your hand on fire. If this is right, say ‘Yes’ if it is not, say ‘No’.
Caller: NO!
EMH: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
C: I’ve cut my bloody hand off!
EMH: You said your hand is bleeding. If this is right, say ‘Yes’, if it is not, say ‘No’.
C: FERFUCKSAKENO!
EMH: I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you. Please try to speak in a natural tone. You said your hand is bleeding. If this is right, say ‘Yes’, if it is not, say ‘No’.
C: NO!
EMH: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
C: I’ve…..cut…..my….han
EMH: I’m sorry, you took too long to state the nature of your medical emergency, please try again. Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
C: I cut my hand off!
EMH: You said you’ve cut your hand off. If this is right, say ‘Yes’, if it is not, say ‘No’
C: Yes!
EMH: Which hand?
C: Left!
EMH: You said left. If this is right, say ‘Yes’, if it is not, say ‘No’
C: What? If left isn’t right? Of course it isn’t, it’s left you stupid machine!
EMH: I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you. You said left. If this is right, say ‘Yes’, if it is not, say ‘No’
C: Oh I see, right. Ye…
EMH: You said right. . If this is right, say ‘Yes’, if it is not, say ‘No’
C: What? No!
EMH: You said you’ve cut your hand off. If this is right, say ‘Yes’, if it is not, say ‘No’
C: Yes!
EMH: Which hand?
C: Left!
EMH: You said left. If this is right, say ‘Yes’, if it is not, say ‘No’
C: Yes!
EMH: Thank you. Your symptoms are now being compared to other users of the Emergency Medical Hotline. Your illness is important to us. Please hold.
{Greensleeves plays}
EMH: Thank you. Your call has been placed in a queue and will be answered by the next available nurse. Please hold.
{Greensleeves plays}
EMH: Thank you. Your call has been placed in a queue and will be answered by the next available nurse. Please hold.
{Greensleeves plays}
Nurse: Thanks for holding, my name’s Chantelle, how can I diagnose you today?
C: ….
N: Hello? Hello?
{click}
